Coerced Confessions of a Malcontent

I have a wonderful bunch of friends, really I do. I really enjoy their ability to give me comfort when I am in a highly agitated state. Not that I run around angry all the time exactly but on those occasions when the steam starts building up, the support is overwhelming. Apparently when I'm in the middle of a temper tantrum there is some type of comedic/cartoonish appearance because I find the angrier I get the more they laugh. This is really good because eventually I get into making them laugh more than continuing to be angry about something and then it sort of fades away. Granted on a few occasions I have caught said friends baiting me with temptations of blowing my top, but I really do try to keep a handle on things.

Sometimes I don't feel like being honest with myself about the reasons that I am less than content with the world that I am visiting, I refuse to claim any ownership due to the amount of anger that would result because of how everyone has treated it, but I make an effort to bring a little reality in to focus from time to time. My general disgust is the result of many years of a festering collection of injuries I have suffered by the razor sharp words of those I have encountered. Not all entities have brought me harm but there are some have rearranged my entire trust system by their most likely unintentional verbalizations. Am I a sensitive sort? I don't know, how would you describe a raw nerve being used as a jump rope by all who are present? I find happiness to be a major annoyance because then I start feeling all comfortable and start relaxing and letting my guard down then the next thing you know, pow, I get sucker punched.

Balancing on the tightrope between socially acceptable behavior and belligerence requires a great deal of management. Being able to create a disturbance of such magnitude that you are gain control of the room is paramount to carrying out business of the day but one has to manage the magnitude of the disturbance just enough to control the room, not clear it. I have begun to implement the occasional facial tic into my presentations and have found it to be a very useful tool shortly after having reached a crescendo and seem to be calming down. Stuttering however becomes more of a distraction and should only be used on very specific words, which ever word has an extreme amount of pleasantry associated with it. Eye contact is very critical, maintaining a solid glare takes a lot of concentration. When you need a little break, look down and pretend to mumble something.

The displeasure of dining with coworkers is an overwhelming source of fury to keep one from fading off into a state of slumber after having gorged on a double portion of deep fried what ever it is that you are trying to kill yourself with. Between the indigestion from consuming what is being substituted in place of a meal in 10 to 12 minutes and the incessant chatter about what everyone did over the weekend I find myself ready to stand on the table and yell "Do you really think anyone cares about how long it took for you to get the tent put together only for it to fall down when you tried to get in it?". I find it very useful to retain those feelings to build enough steam to be able to have and extended outburst in the mid afternoon when you need an excuse to make others think they are keeping you from getting your work done. This makes it easy to get 20 minutes of quiet time by hiding in the restroom for a bit.

Monitoring the traffic report is also a great way to make things worse than they have to be. Knowing which route will cause you the greatest amount of slow driving gives you a wealth of topics for the water cooler session when you get into the office. Tales of observing drivers around you performing bizarre rituals or performing some type of song and dance number instead of trying to advance on the journey to the source of greatest gloom, I mean the office. Just one morning I would really like to see everyone listening to the same station and performing as a group. That would push those buttons that only someone who you have lived with for more than 12 years can usually push. Commuting is such a wonderful use of time that you would spend staring at the wall with a cup of coffee in your hand if you didn't have to actually leave your house.

Bubbly personalities drive me to depths of insanity that are so dark they even make me feel a little unnerved at times. Terminally happy people are really scary for someone of my demeanor. However I suppose they have to exist in order to maintain some sort of cosmic balance in the universe by offsetting congeniality I project. I sometime fantasize about restraining the bubbly personality in the supply closet along with the person in charge of the coffee committee. I mean really, does it mean that much to everyone that a quarter get put in the can for every cup of coffee consumed? Maybe I should wait until everyone is done then take what would be poured out and store it until the next morning to be reheated, I'm sure it can't taste any worse at that point.

Make regular announcements about the office burglar having made his rounds, this will help divert attention away from you in case you have to borrow a pen or a stapler for some reason. This also raises the assumption that everyone is a person of interest in an ongoing investigation that you have secretly been self appointed to conduct around the office. It's also a good idea to drop by and inquire about whoever isn't in the office that day to arouse everyones suspicion of that person potentially being the perpetrator of the criminal activity around the office. This technique really gives you a lot of power and most likely will put you on the list of consideration next time there is an manager position open. Being a manager is the holy grail for those who aspire to the highest levels of discontent. Managers are professionals at creating massive outburst and creating the type of control over a room that we can only dream of.

Happy hour? No.

After work it is very important to always have a reason you can't attend any of the team building exercises at the bar closest to the source of gloom. Stories of having to clean the deposits made by the neighbors dog from your lawn before the sun begins to set and the mosquitoes embark upon their quest for their evening meal will usually do the trick. The advantages of implementing an antisocial agenda are really nice when the holidays are approaching. If you get an invitation to the seasonal gatherings, it can easily be ignored and most likely nobody will risk giving you another just in case the office supply thief might have picked it up.

Most important item to keep on ones desk is a picture frame that is face down on the desk. This gives you a reason to snap st anyone who tries to put it upright so you can scold them about how much pain and anguish that picture makes you feel and that it wouldn't improve the general mood around the office for it to change positions. I find that to be a fabulous deterrent to the "Christmas Carolers" that swing by the desk to brighten up my day with some light hearted banter, the kind that makes me want to slam a desk drawer shut while no noticing their fingers were in the way. One of these days all of my rage will allow me to transcend the state of existence and allow me to freely roam the halls in search of the ultimate place for a quick nap.

While I cannot confirm the accuracy of these statement, I can suggest that everyone of us works with this person or has at some point. Every office has one and it is crucial to understand the motivations of this person if you want leverage in any office politics. Please keep all personal items within your personal space and don't fuel the fire of the vicious office creature of ill will. This now concludes the tour of the darkest reaches of my thoughts on work.

P.S. -- I am really not that miserable, I was just having some fun wishing I could be that guy for a little bit.