Storm of Grief

The hot and cold rush washes over me,

making me violently ill as the tears flow freely.

The sadness and pain boring a hole into my soul.

A breath of air and a calming breeze settles me,

leaving me a chance to view the fond memories.

The joy of knowing the one who is gone.

Despair runs up behind me,

knocking my feet out from under me.

Laying on the ground where they all rest.

Now a part of who I am,

the lost are never forgotten.

Carrying the legacy.

Behavioral Transformation

I have spent a great deal of my life trying to improve my behavior. I am a well behave person for the most part but I do not like the way react to some situations or I at least do not like the results of the reactions. Over the years I have developed a process that works great if I am feeling pretty balanced and I am able to sometimes catch the behavior before it happens. With the recent events in my life I have realized that it is time for me to clear of my schedule and refresh my process a little.

The method I use requires learning to separate instincts from emotions. The emotions come out  as part of the reaction behavior but the reaction itself is triggered by instincts. As children we develop our response patterns based on our instinctual reactions to situation we encounter. Most of those stay with us for a very long time if not our whole life. Some of them we are able to adjust through experience of living. Others hinder our abilities to move forward in our behavioral development.

Instincts are meant for us to survive and to prosper. There are a lot of times that these instincts become distorted and this is when our behaviors become irrational. The main list that most people are good to focus on are the instincts around the seven deadly sins. This is why they call them sins but it is more about the instincts that become distorted that causes them to be that way. There are healthy levels of these instincts that are important to our existence. When they begin to govern our behavior and not allowing us to have a choice, it has become distorted.

I would write another 10,000 words on the topic but I  actually need to go work on some of this and see if I can find a way to make some improvements in who I am.

Feeling my way through the darkness
in search of the switch for the light.
Unable to determine
if there is an enemy to fight.

Investigating my life
interrogating my reason.
Trying to make sense
of the changes of the season.

Grieving the Loss

It has been about 2 weeks since my mother passed away. She had been ill for a very long time and it wasn't really a surprise. None the less, losing a parent is a life changing event. Having lost my father 16 years ago, I already knew the kinds of pain one feels. The emotional roller coaster that follows is full of secrets that we have kept to ourselves until we have no choice but to face it. My mother and I had difficulty communicating unless we kept the topics to a very limited scope. I am discovering many things about my life that I had neglected to notice before. Now am I faced with determining how to integrate these things into my life.

I have always been very careful about what I say. I don't remember many opportunities that I was allowed to stumble around trying to express myself. I have always had to have what I was going to say ready and get it out quick otherwise someone else would step in front of me and my topic would go back to being silent. I spent several years working as a musician and found music to be an excellent way to express those feelings that I had never found words for. Music has been a method of expression that I never had to explain like when I used words. I have explained myself until there was nothing left to say and still misunderstood.

I have a lot of work ahead of myself because I am determined to find the words to express myself clearly. I am aware that this also requires finding an audience for these words that can understand them. Lack of empathy is a big problem these days. Modern times and communication methods have made personal interaction a lost art for so many people. Hopefully I will find the way to use my words to bring people back together to some degree.

Having a better day now that I realized a few things about myself.