It has been about 2 weeks since my mother passed away. She had been ill for a very long time and it wasn't really a surprise. None the less, losing a parent is a life changing event. Having lost my father 16 years ago, I already knew the kinds of pain one feels. The emotional roller coaster that follows is full of secrets that we have kept to ourselves until we have no choice but to face it. My mother and I had difficulty communicating unless we kept the topics to a very limited scope. I am discovering many things about my life that I had neglected to notice before. Now am I faced with determining how to integrate these things into my life.
I have always been very careful about what I say. I don't remember many opportunities that I was allowed to stumble around trying to express myself. I have always had to have what I was going to say ready and get it out quick otherwise someone else would step in front of me and my topic would go back to being silent. I spent several years working as a musician and found music to be an excellent way to express those feelings that I had never found words for. Music has been a method of expression that I never had to explain like when I used words. I have explained myself until there was nothing left to say and still misunderstood.
I have a lot of work ahead of myself because I am determined to find the words to express myself clearly. I am aware that this also requires finding an audience for these words that can understand them. Lack of empathy is a big problem these days. Modern times and communication methods have made personal interaction a lost art for so many people. Hopefully I will find the way to use my words to bring people back together to some degree.
Having a better day now that I realized a few things about myself.
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