A Lonely Road

Today I have decided to take on a topic that is kind of difficult for me because I can't really hide behind twisted, cerebral babbling or dodge reality by spinning a little humor. The most difficult is that I have to be honest and reveal a little more of who I am than I normally do. I have decided to do this because it has been an overwhelming week that has made me take a serious look at the way I choose to live. In the last week I have had the best experiences of my life and at the same time I have had to acknowledge that the life I have constructed does not allow me to enjoy those feelings very often. This has caused me to reflect on how I got here and to contemplate where I am headed.

Perhaps this is a sequel to Living a Plan B Life or maybe it's just a snapshot of this moment in time. Either way I woke up this morning and turned on the TV while I gathered my thoughts and there was a movie on that reflected much of my life back to me. The movie was Up In the Air and I saw a lot of my life being played out there within a little abstraction. This was after a long night of realizing that while most of the time my choices have served me well by simplifying life to allow me to invest more time into exploring my mind, I realized that there are times that it would be nice to share a few memories with someone who was there. I have a long list of things I would like to do or see but I often tell my friends that I will not go until I can find the person to go with me that will get an equal amount of joy from the experience as myself. For me it's about sharing the experience more than just having it. Yesterday I decided to venture out alone and it left me a bit empty at the end of the day.

Yesterday I spend a full day driving through the country in search of the best place to take a picture of the evidence that autumn is in progress. I was driving through the mountains and enjoying the beauty that has been millions of years in the making, searching for the ultimate picture location. After several hours I did finally manage to take this picture which completed the objective I had set out with.

I was able to capture my evidence worthy of stopping to take the picture. I continued along the same road after taking the picture and saw some even more amazing sites but nothing worthy of stopping to photograph due to the amount of time it would take to get in the position to take the proper shot. I finally reached a place where I decided to turn around and return home. The drive home was around 4 hours long and the music I had enjoyed going up the mountain no longer made me smile. The sights coming down did not make me feel the wonder it had on the way up. The return home was a long, lonely road.

Over the last week and a half I have been allowed to visit my past and be reminded of a wonderful time when me and my old friends would get together and enjoy hanging out and sharing parts of our lives. This was such an amazing feeling because I have not had that connection for a very long time. The empowering feeling that can only come from those who you share a mutual admiration and have allowed each other past the surface of who we appear to be. The indescribable feeling that if you were about to fall that you were surrounded by people who wouldn't let you hit the ground, those who would hold you up with support to do the things you might otherwise abandon.

As I returned back to my current life, I return to the simple existence I have carved out for myself that allows me to dig deeply into my thoughts but has limited room for time for others. I frequently quote Francis Bacon with "He that hath wife and children hath given hostages to fortune; for they are impediments to great enterprises, either of virtue or mischief." Most of the time I am very content to enjoy my time without interruption and value the opportunity to indulge in the pursuits of my whims. The quiet time to think deeply and follow the thoughts to the end of their path. The freedom to spend an evening playing video games even.

I sit here reflecting on how I policy of not doing some kinds of things alone is probably one of my better ones. The long drive home yesterday would have been very little effort if I had taken someone along to share in the experience. It has caused me to admit to the number of times recently I have expressed my desire to share some of the things in my life. This is a challenge because there are parts of my life that I also choose not to share which limits the availability of having someone to share the parts I want to share. Today I am struggling with how to find a balance with my need to share and my selfish need to be alone. Today I am conflicted about the virtue of my choices.

I took many pictures yesterday and the largest quantity were taken out the window of my car at highway speed. I was able to get many great shots without having to stop along the way because I was on the quest to find the perfect shot for yesterday. If I would have had a companion on my trip I am sure there would have been many more stops along the way and it would have been a wonderful time. I also consider that if I would have had an companion along for the ride that I might not have made it to find the perfection that I did. There was sacrifice of companionship for the purpose of completing an objective but also for the purpose of knowing where to go when I choose to take a companion along for the next expedition. My experience yesterday has given me insight into things I know to share when I find a companion to explore these wonders.

Reading David Foster Wallace a lot lately, I like how he referred to an ex-girlfriend from high school who accompanied him to an even that he was writing about for Harpers magazine as his Native Companion. While she has her own life and family, she was his guide to the first day of the state fair he was covering. He had never been when he was a resident of the state and she was able to buffer is return to a world he had forgotten or ignored when he was there. I sometimes wonder which is better for exploration, a native who is already familiar or for both parties to be seeing things for the first time. Either way, one of the things I enjoy most in life is the look on another's face when we are participating in a new experience.

As one who has isolated myself in pursuit of artistic development through years of learning to play an instrument to the endless hours I strive to find words to express the thoughts swirling around in my mind I have always known the importance of sharing the fruits. I am also aware that you have to play to the audience you have and not the one you would wish for. Performing a master piece is a wasted affair when everyone is just wanting to dance. Taking pictures out of the window was my way of playing for the dance but I did take the time to pause for the photo that I spent a full day searching for. This is how I found my fulfillment in my expedition yesterday and how I have chosen to share was the picture of perfection will only be seen here while the rest will reside on Facebook. 

Meanwhile I will continue to be conflicted about how much of my time should be divided between the solo creative endeavors and how much I will devote to sharing with others. Finding myself chasing my thoughts through the playground of my mind while wondering which would even have any meaning to those around me. For today, you are my audience for this part I have chosen to share. It is my wish for you to see that my life is not without commitment even though the commitments that I have are not those considered traditional but the ones I treasure the most.